The Loneliness of Leading: Why Women Don’t Support Women

Episode Shownotes:

You drove home from the event. You checked your phone. Nobody said anything. Nobody recorded your talk, nobody tagged you, nobody sent you a text that said “that was amazing.” And you sat with that.

This week on The Rich Nonprofit, Lisa gets personal about the loneliness of leading as a woman building impact. She shares what happened with a friend she supported for over a decade who got a big opportunity and then acted like she barely knew her. She talks about the pattern she sees in her own life and in her clients’ lives: women who pour into other women, champion them, believe in them, and then one day look around and those women are gone.

This episode is about what happens when “empowered women empower women” doesn’t play out the way it should, why it hurts so much when the people closest to you go quiet, and why Lisa is choosing boundaries over bitterness and not slowing down.

Main Topics Discussed:

The pattern Lisa sees in her own life and her clients’: pouring into women who disappear once they level up
Lisa’s personal story about a decade-long friendship that went silent after a big opportunity
Why nobody talks about what happens when “empowered women empower women” doesn’t play out
The difference between setting boundaries and getting bitter
Archangel Michael energy: boundaries up, heart open, vision clear

Resources Mentioned in Today’s Episode:

Impact Build Intensive – Build impact into your business without burning out
DM Lisa on Instagram – @lisathestrategist

Ways to Keep Working with Lisa:

JOIN MY FREE TELEGRAM COMMUNITY · Where I drop resources, answer questions, and connect with women building impact into their brands and nonprofits.
IMPACT BUILD INTENSIVE · 90 minutes, one-on-one. We map your next moves and how to incorporate impact into what you’re already building. You walk away with a plan you can start right away.
MOMENTUM · Two days one-on-one with me in California wine country. We build your six month strategic roadmap for the brand or nonprofit.

Connect with Lisa:

Episode Transcript:

Lisa Avila (00:00.182)
Welcome back to the Rich Nonprofit. I’m Lisa Avila and I’m so excited that you are here today. And if you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen a post I put up a couple weeks ago. It was me flipping off the camera. And if you haven’t seen it, go find it because it’ll set the tone for what we’re about to get into. And here’s what I want to talk about today. The women who are out there building impact and

creating change, starting nonprofits, speaking on panels, writing letters to the editor, so passionate about what they care about. You’re showing up at city council meetings, mentoring, volunteering, using your business as a vehicle for change. Not performative change, but true change. And sometimes you still feel invisible, not all the time, but enough that it sits with you.

enough that you have driven home from an event where you poured your heart out on a stage and you looked at your phone and thought, wow, nobody even said anything. Nobody told me they recorded it, got some video, tagged me. Nobody texted me and said, hey, my gosh, hey, I saw what you did up there and that was amazing. And before I go any further, I know it’s not about you wanting praise. It’s not about your ego.

You are not out there fighting for your community because you want a round of applause. That’s not why you do it. You do it because you can’t not do it. Because you see what’s broken and you are wired to go out there and fix it. And because you’ve probably told your kids that if you want to see the change in the world, you have to be the change. And you mean that. But you are also human.

and humans need to feel seen. So I want to talk about this because I see something happening today in the world and it’s eating away at some of the strongest women I know. And here’s the pattern that I keep seeing in my own life also and in the lives of some of my clients. You are a doer. You are not the woman sitting at brunch talking about what she’s going to do someday. You are the woman

Lisa Avila (02:24.086)
already doing it. You went out and you filed that paperwork. You got on the stage even when it felt scary. You made those phone calls to people you didn’t even know. You put your name on your business, on a nonprofit, and you said, this is what I stand for. Even when your voice was shaking. Ooh, that was me when I was up on stage in Detroit. My voice was shaking. I forgot my talk, but I still got up there because I knew I had something to say and that it mattered.

And maybe some of the women around you, some of them are cheering. Some of them are genuinely in your corner and they show up and they celebrate you. And thank you women. Hold onto them tightly because I’m seeing that they are more and more rare and I hate it. Because some of the women, they just aren’t. Some of them are watching from the sidelines and not only watching, they’re judging. They’re picking apart what you said. They’re questioning your motives.

Or worse, they’re just staying silent, just absent. Like you didn’t just do something so brave. And then there’s the category that hurts the most. The ones who aren’t strangers. The ones who aren’t just acquaintances or just follow you on Instagram. These are the ones who are supposed to be your friends, your close friends. The women that you always show up for. The ones that sap.

kitchen table with you when their marriage was falling apart. The ones you talked through their business idea with non-stop when you had your own stuff going on. The ones that you encouraged and supported and believed in even when they didn’t yet believe in themselves. But you gave them the courage, you gave them the support, and you watched them take the leap and you celebrated them. You shared their posts.

You told everyone you knew about what they were doing. You were so genuinely excited and proud of them. And then somewhere along the way, they stopped showing up for you.

Lisa Avila (04:32.276)
I’m speaking to this because yes, I’ve seen it with my clients, but I’ve also had it happen to me. And maybe you recognize this in your own life. I had a friend, someone I’d known for over a decade. I wouldn’t call her a casual friend. I’d call her a true friend. The kind where you know what’s going on in each other’s lives. We walked each other through hard things. I always supported her. I always showed up. I was in her corner. Not because I had to be.

because that’s what you do for the people you care about. And I saw her scared to move into new positions. I gave her that support, gave her some strategy tips, and she did. She moved. She moved up. And then she got a really great position, like big opportunity, a lot of money. And I was so happy for her and for the community that she’s serving because I knew she would do such a good job.

so proud. And I’d seen her journey and I knew how hard she had worked. But then something shifted. The calls and texts slowed down and then stopped. She stopped reaching out and I figured, you know, she’s just so busy, new role, big demands. I get it. I gave her grace. But then the last time I saw her, it was almost like she couldn’t be bothered with me. Like she barely knew me. After more than 10 years of friendship,

after everything we’d been through. She kind of looked at me like, I don’t really have time for you. Okay, that really sucked and it hurt.

And I sat with it. Was it because she was so busy in her new world that she’d forgotten about the people who were there before? Was it because now she’s in this big position that people from her before life don’t fit her image? Which I don’t know because I wouldn’t have been friends with someone like that. Or was it something else? Was it insecurity? Was I reminder of a version of herself that she’d rather leave behind? Did she look at me and see someone who knew too much?

Lisa Avila (06:44.768)
about where she had come from and where she started. I don’t know the answer. I’ve stopped trying to figure it out because the truth is the why, it doesn’t change the result. The result is the same. I basically lost a friend. And it’s a specific kind of grief because they aren’t gone. They’re still here. I’m still running into them. They’re just, you know, finished with me, I suppose.

And I know I’m not the only one with a story like this because I hear these stories from my clients. They pour into someone, they lift someone up, a team member, a friend, a family member, they champion them. And then one day they look around and that person is nowhere to be found. Not at their event, not in their comments, not sending a text. It’s almost like they’re gone. And what makes it worse is nobody is talking about this.

We talk about how women should support women, yes. We post those quotes, we share the graphics, empowered women, empower women. I’m guilty of that. And I’m sure you’ve seen it a thousand times. But what happens when they don’t? What happens when the women you empowered don’t even look back? Well, I’ll tell you, it’s damn lonely. If you’re someone who’s out there every single day,

building and creating meaningful work and impact and you’re trying to make your community better, use your business for good, raise the bar and the people closest to you go quiet, that loneliness, it hits differently. Because you do wonder if it’s you, you can’t help but not to. Are you too much? Are you too loud? Are you too ambitious? Too out there? You start second guessing the very thing that makes you powerful.

Which is your willingness to show up and lead? Well, here’s what I tell my clients. Here’s what I told myself. It’s time to stop doing that right now. And it gets tricky, but I wanna be really honest with you, cause that’s how I roll. The temptation is to get bitter. Start keeping score, to pull back. Fine, I’ll just do this alone. I don’t need anyone. and I get that because I’ve been there.

Lisa Avila (09:02.892)
Y’all know I’m a double Scorpio. Do not go against me. It does not go well. And I’ve had that exact conversation with myself more than once. I don’t need anyone. I’ll do this alone. But then I decided, no, I’m not going to do it alone. I’m not going to stop. I’m certainly not going to stop helping women just because my feelings got hurt. I’m not going to stop showing up on social media.

or for people just because someone didn’t show up for me because I have a really big vision and I am going to help so many women build their businesses, their brands, their nonprofits, create more impact. I don’t have time to sit around keeping a tally of who clapped for me and who didn’t. Now, does that mean I might not hang out as much with those people? Yeah, probably. Does that mean I’m going to put up some boundaries?

Absolutely. I’m not gonna keep pouring into a cup, but basically as a hole in the bottom. I’ve learned that lesson, but I am still going to jump in that pit with people who need me. I’m still going to help. If you need me, I’m there. That’s who I am. That’s not changing just because somebody hurt my feelings. And putting up boundaries, getting bitter, they are two very different things.

Boundaries say I’m protecting my energy so that I can keep doing this work. Bitter says I’m done with you. And while I may be done with some people, I am not done with my work, not even close. And so when I see my clients going through this, these women who come to me, they are not playing small either. They know they are here to create global change and they are not stopping. They are not sitting around waiting for applause.

They are starting right there with their vision, with their sword in their hand like Archangel Michael. I’m doing this and you better get out of my way because nothing is stopping me. I am going to create global change. I am going to help my community. I am a good person. I am here to create more good. And that energy, ooh, that is the energy I want you to tap into. Not bitter, not closed off.

Lisa Avila (11:24.494)
Not keeping score, although okay, you can keep score in the back of your head. But I want to see the unstoppable energy. Boundaries up, heart open, vision clear. You don’t become the woman on the sidelines just because the women on the sidelines hurt you. You stay in the arena, you keep your sword up, and you find other women who are standing next to you with theirs.

So if this is you right now and you’re sitting here thinking like, why doesn’t anyone get me? Why am I the only one out here doing this? Listen, you are not the only one out here. I am standing right alongside you and there are plenty of other women I know that are out there as well who are ready to help us all rise. Women who see what we are doing and they are saying, yes, let’s go.

fucking do this. So please know you are not alone in this. You just might need to find your people. And sometimes finding your people means outgrowing the ones who can’t go where you are going. That’s not mean, that’s not cold. That’s growth. And it’s necessary when you are going to create global change. Because that work that you’re doing, it is too important. The community that you are serving, the cause you are fighting for, the example you are setting,

For your kids, wow, that matters more than whether someone you used to be close to remembers to like your post. In my brand impact strategy, this is for the women who know that you want to go all in on your business and you want to stand for something bigger. You want your vision and your impact to be seen, but you’re not sure how to structure it. You don’t want it to just feel good.

You want it to work as an arm in your business, this impact, growing your business, serving your community, but not burning you out in the process. If that’s you, let’s talk about it. DM me on Instagram and I will send you the details for my brand impact strategy because I love working with women to put more impact into their brand so they can stand up for their communities and go get that global change. If you felt that this episode

Lisa Avila (13:51.372)
would help another woman, please share it. There are so many women out here who are doing the work and wondering if anyone notices. And you know what? I bet there’s someone out there right now who was searching for a community of women. And you may be also, you want to create that impact, you wanna go bigger and you don’t wanna do it alone. And I want you to know, I am here, there are other women out there. Do not forget that, do not stop.

with speaking up, speaking out, being all you. And I will see you next time on The Rich Nonprofit. Thanks for spending time with me today on The Rich Nonprofit. If this episode hit home for you, I bet there’s a woman in your circle who needs to hear it also. Please share it with her. And don’t forget to rate and review. It helps other women find me and I appreciate it more than you know. And if you wanna keep the conversation going, come on over and join us in Built For Bigger.

It’s my free Telegram community. We chat about strategy, business, life, mindset, and everything it takes to grow. The link is in the show notes. And I will see you next time.

THE RICH NONPROFIT

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Episode 60: The Loneliness of Leading: Why Women Don’t Support Women